Juanita Price and Carolyn Cutler Osborne
First, imagine the scenario.
The Case of the Missing Bath
It's 5:30 p.m. You have just arrived home from one of the most hectic days at work in memory. Your feet hurt. Your legs hurt. Your back hurts. Your head hurts.
To top it off, you and your spouse have a dinner engagement this evening with your spouse's boss and coworkers. In short, not a relaxing evening. You have to be dressed and ready to go at 7 p.m.
Your oldest child runs up to you to inform you that your youngest child is in trouble at school--at which point the youngest starts yelling that it's not so. You shush the kids, tell them you'll deal with it later, send them to the neighbor's house for the evening, and go into the bathroom to take a couple of aspirins and a well-deserved hot bath. You run the water nice and deep and add your favorite bath oil. You lay out your biggest, softest, fluffiest towels, and your robe and slippers. You only have fifteen minutes for a bath, but it's going to be a good fifteen minutes--the best fifteen minutes of your entire day.
Just as you test the water with your right big toe, the phone rings.
It might be your mother. It might be your boss. It might be the neighbor, about your kids.
You withdraw your toe from the water and answer it:
"Hello?"
"I'm calling from Acme Widget Company. We would like to demonstrate our latest innovation--the Vegematic vegetable slicer. It slices, it dices. Can you imagine never having to chop onions again? When might I make an appointment for your free in-home demonstration?"
While a convenient form of communication, and occasionally a life-saver, the telephone is also a device that can put you at the beck and call of complete strangers. Anyone, whether that person is an important member of your family or a fundraiser from an organization you've never heard of, can cause a bell to ring in your home.
You can throw away junk mail without even opening it--or you can save it until you have some time to deal with it. But the telephone requires some kind of response--regardless of whether or not you have an answering machine.
In fact, because the telephone requires this response, it makes you vulnerable not only to "junk" calls from sales people, but also you become vulnerable to obscene phone callers.
In this article, we will show you a new way of understanding the telephone. This new way of understanding the role of the telephone will ultimately help you learn to make obscene phone callers hang up on you!
First, a few new ideas about how people relate to each other.
How do people control each other? How do people respond to other people's control? Keep in mind, that when you respond to the telephone, you are responding to the summons of another person. In other words, when the telephone rings, someone else--the caller--asserts control over you.
As human beings, we all do things--we all act. Our actions have two important components--energy and control. Whether you are throwing a bowling ball or talking with a friend, you use both energy and control to get that done. Your energy makes the bowling ball roll down the lane. If you have good control over the ball, you can make it roll down the lane in such a way that it knocks down all the pins and you get a strike!
You use energy and control in your every day dealings with people, as well. Suppose you go to lunch with a friend. Do you shove the linguini in your mouth with both hands, chomping loudly all the way, spewing bits across the table and in your lap? Of course not. You use energy to bring the food from your plate to your mouth, and a fork to control your eating. Do you tell your friend that she has a lousy hair cut, that you think her boyfriend is a jerk, and that she has to give you fifty bucks right now? Energy makes conversation possible--it makes your voice audible to her. You may not like her hair or her boyfriend, and you may desperately need fifty bucks, but you use control in your conversation with her.
We call the energy that all of us have, "power," and we call the control over that energy, "authority."
All people have energy. Babies have energy. A baby's energy, its power, allows it to squall when it is hungry, thirsty, tired, messy, or just dissatisfied.
But not all people have control--authority. Think about a two year old. Two year olds do shove food into their mouths with both hands, spewing bits across the table and onto the floor. While an adult can walk along a busy street, it would be dangerous to allow a two year old to play unsupervised along a busy street--the two year old does not have the self-control, the personal authority, to keep from running after a ball into the street in front of cars.
Adults, then, are people who have power and authority--the ability to control their own use of energy. Children are people who have power, but who require others (usually parents) to control their use of their power.
But what about bosses, then, people who have authority over other people? We all have personal authority and personal power. In addition, though, to these personal elements, there are positions of authority--and positions of power.
Positional authority and power work the same way as personal authority and power, only one person is the authority (is in charge) and the other person is the power--does the work. Think about a factory. The manager is the authority, and the workers who actually assemble the cars or whatever, are the power--are under the control of the manager. We call the relationship between two people in different positions, an Authority/Power Relationship.
Now what does this Authority/Power relationship have to do with telephones?
Someone calls your house and you respond to the bell, you answer their summons. At that moment, they are in an Authority Position over you because they initiated the contact and you, in the Power Position, were required to respond.
It doesn't matter whether the person is your boss, your friend, a neighbor, the little kid down the street, or your worst enemy, the moment someone makes that bell ring, they have some control over your behavior.
Okay, but what about answering machines? I can always screen my calls on the answering machine and that keeps them from having control over me. Right?
Imagine another little scenario:
The Neighbor Who Knew Too Much
While you were out last night, the neighborhood busybody called your house and left a message on your answering machine. He needs for you to drop off the tools you borrowed last week and could he borrow your lawn mower? He has someone coming by to see the house and needs this stuff right away, especially the lawn mower. Oh, and did you hear about the neighborhood cleanup committee? He knows you'll be interested in working with the cleanup crew this weekend, so he told them to expect you Saturday morning at 8 a.m.
You listen to the machine when you get home and then you go to bed, intending to do something about the message tomorrow.
By the time you have gotten the kids off to school and yourself off to work, then come home, fixed dinner, supervised homework, mediated conflicts, and watched a little t.v., you remember the message and put it off some more.
Three days later, having done nothing about that message, you go to the supermarket and are innocently walking down the breakfast cereal aisle trying to decide between corn flakes and puffed rice when you are accosted by an angry man--your neighbor. Why haven't you returned his tools? Where is the lawn mower? How come you didn't show up on Saturday?
In this case, the answering machine only delayed the authority. When you failed to respond to his message, the neighbor felt justified in his anger. Answering machines, do not ultimately change the Authority/Power relationship that the telephone sets up.
Of course, most telephone calls are not a problem. You have friends who understand that it's not a good time to talk because Jimmy just flushed his blocks down the toilet. Your mother is willing to call back after the basketball game is over. You are glad your boss can reach you now, so you can deal with the crisis before it becomes impossible.
But we know there are people who abuse their authority. A particularly disturbing form of this abuse occurs when people make obscene phone calls. How can you deal with these? How can you remove the authority from the hands of people who misuse it? We'll show you how you can have obscene phone callers hanging up on you--never to call you again.
First, we have to say that we are talking here about "mainstream" callers. The kind who pick or dial numbers at random, having no previous knowledge of their targets. We are not, in this article, discussing the dangerous "stalking" callers--those who know who their targets are, watch them from covert places, know their habits, mode of dress, where they live, their identity, and so forth. That is trouble.
Mainstreamers call and hope they'll get lucky. They hope for a target that will "buy in" to the game.
Who are these mainstreamers? Another scenario helps us to guess their identity:
The Case of the AWOL Appliance
Phone: Ring, ring.
You: Hello?
Caller: Is your refrigerator running?
You: What?
Caller: Is your refrigerator runnning?
You: Why, yes, I believe so.
Caller: [shouting] Well, you better catch it before it runs out the door! [guffaws of laughter]
Maybe these phone calls are familiar to you. Juanita remembers that when she was a little girl, she and her friends would make these phone calls behind her mother's back!
Little kids, remember, have power--they can dial the phone and speak into the receiver. But they don't have personal authority--they do not recognize that phone calls of this sort can be irritating and disruptive to other people's lives. In other words, because they do not have personal authority (control over their own behavior), they misuse the position of authority which the telephone places them in.
You notice, Juanita and her friends had to do this behind her mother's back--the parent rightfully is responsible for the behavior of the child. The parent is the person who has authority over that child. We also wish to report that Juanita grew up--she developed Personal Authority, and no longer makes phone calls of this sort.
Like the refrigerator call, obscene phone calls are "fun" calls--for the caller--and the fun is at your expense! Obscene phone callers, then, are people who abuse authority--they are people who do not have Personal Authority. In other words, they are people who inhabit adult bodies but who have never grown up.
This is hard to imagine, because these guys use language over the phone that most real kids (we hope) don't know. And their use of sexual language is like a rape--it is intrusive and frightening. Obscene phone calls so easily remind us that we are vulnerable to strangers, that women are particularly vulnerable to rape. We may check the back seat of the car before we get in, avoid going out alone at night, and carry mace--but we can still receive random calls that play on males' ability to hurt women.
Yet understanding that the people who make these calls are essentially children is the key to keeping them from becoming repeat callers. But it's even better than that--and let's look at a typical response to understand why:
The Case of Jack the Jerk
Phone: Ring, ring
You: Hello?
Caller: [heavy breathing] I'm jacking off and it feels real good.
You: You're disgusting and sick. [You hang up]
Even if this guy doesn't call right back up again, what do you think about for the rest of the evening (or night)? What goes through your head? Images of some creep coming after you? A horrible dirty feeling?
Even if you simply hung up without a word, you still feel bad. In other words, even if you didn't say a word to the guy, the caller won--and he knows it. He has gotten away with his abuse of authority. Like a little kid who is bad and doesn't get caught, he gets the strength to make another call--if not to you then to some other woman.
When you know that these callers are children, and you use effective strategies against their abuse of authority, you not only prevent repeat calls, you end up feeling strong. Unviolated. Safe. And maybe even a little gleeful!
So, what do you do with a little kid in an adult body?
Well, there are a lot of different kids out there. We're going to take examples of real obscene calls and show you the actual responses that caused these little boys to hang up the phone.
We'll start off with--
The Interrogator
Phone: Ring, ring.
You: Hello?
Caller: Do you have large breasts?
You: Where are you calling from?
Caller: [slight silence] Do you have large breasts?
You: Where do you live? How old are you?
Caller: [baffled silence, then annoyed] I'd like to suck your breasts. Do--
You: [interrupting] Do you work? Do you have friends? Do people like you?
Caller: Aw hell. [hangs up].
The trap to avoid is giving an emotional response--whether fear, anger, alarm, distress, hurt--it makes no difference. The caller actually feeds on your emotion.
Your emotion is a particular form of attention. When you make an emotional response to someone, that says, in part, that that person is somehow important to you--that that person has an effect on you. Obscene callers want that importance--it upholds the authority they started out with when they dialed your number.
In responding to the interrogator, your voice is calm. You ask questions in an everyday tone of voice, the way someone taking a survey over the phone might ask questions. In fact, you act as if you never heard his rude question. This is the important part: if you act like you are the one who made the phone call in the first place, that you had all these questions you want answers to, then you actually erase the authority position that he began with! Soon he hangs up--because you are no fun.
Then, there is--
The Whisperer
Phone: Ring, ring
You: Hello?
Caller: [whispering] I want to suck your pussy.
You: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Speak louder, please.
Caller: [brief hesitation, then still whispering] I want to suck you.
You: [with mild concern in your voice] Is something the matter? You must speak up.
Caller: [annoyed, but still whispering] I want you to suck my dick.
You: [concerned] Are you ill? Are you trying to get help? Shall I send an ambulance to your house? Can you try to tell me your address? Please speak louder, dear, so I can hear you. You must be in terrible pain.
Caller: [during your speech he has been doggedly whispering his obscene desires, then tires of it and, defeated, he slams down the phone]
Again, you refuse to hear the caller's actual words. Again, this refusal takes away the caller's authority. You are refusing to hear this caller's intent, and are, in fact, assigning to him a much more noble intent than this caller could ever possible have. In other words, you make an assumption that the only reason a person might whisper on the phone is that he is in trouble and might need help. This guy is physically ill--not sexy, frightening, or repulsive.
This guy really stuck to his routine. But what if he had spoken up?
You simply switch to another response. Here's one possibility--
The Conversationalist (Hogging It)
Phone: Ring, ring
You: Hello?
Caller: [real, real husky] I'd like to stick my fingers in your hot hole and lick them.
You: Can you believe it had to go and rain today of all days? Just in time to rain on my new shoes? I tell you the truth this weather is something! I got to get downtown tomorrow and get another pair of shoes just like the ones that got rained on today. So, how are you doing?
Caller: My dick--
You: [interrupting] Oh, let me tell you this, before I forget. You know that new store that just opened on Fifth? Well--
Caller: [frustrated and panicky] My dick is--
You: [interrupting] Well, you'll just never believe [and on, and on]
Caller: [hangs up]
This is a simple response. You do not show emotion--and you simply remove the caller's authority position by running roughshod over it. You don't let him get a word in edgewise. Soon he's hanging up, frustrated.
A similar approach that combines elements of the response to the whisperer and the conversationalist response is--
The Long Lost Friend
Phone: Ring, ring
You: Hello?
Caller: I got a long dick I want to poke your pussy with and I--
You: [interrupting, breathless with joy] Oh! Hi! How are you--haven't heard from you for quite awhile. How're you doing?
Caller: [flabbergasted--doesn't know what to think, assumes maybe you didn't hear what he said] I said, I got a long dick I want to poke in your pussy!
You: How's that job going? Are you still working there? I left my old place, working somewhere else now and you know--
Caller: [hangs up]
Can you see the similarities to with the two other responses? Like the conversationalist, you remove the caller's authority simply by not acknowledging it. Like the response to the whisperer, you are assuming better intents than the caller actually has--a very frustrating phenomenon for your average dirty caller because he can't make you see him for what he is! When in fact you do see him for what he is and don't respond to it.
Then there is--
Tell It Like It Is
Phone: Ring, ring
You: Hello?
Caller: I can fuck you so good you'll cream all day and night.
You: [Softly, sweetly, with concern] Does your Mommy know you're making this call?
Caller: [shocked silence...then--hangs up]
How do you decide which routine to take? Use your instincts. Obscene callers differ from one another. And your strengths differ from day to day. If you've got a topic in mind that will allow you to do an off-the-cuff monologue, then you may want to do that. If you feel you can carry off the "Tell It Like It Is" routine, then try that. If the caller whispers, you know what you might try.
We have provided you with several examples from which to choose. Practice these responses in your head, and use the one you feel comfortable with right at that moment. Or make one up on the spot--keeping in mind the three basic principles:
•You are dealing with a child and not an adult
•Your goal is to remove the caller's authority immediately
•You do not want to show any emotions that actually encourage the caller's inappropriate use of the telephone. You may be afraid on the inside--but you must be fearless in your actions in order to pull these responses off.
With that in mind, we'll leave you with two more possibilities:
•Laugh at him. The dirtier he talks, the more hilarious you make him out to be. Between peals of laughter, gasp out questions and before he can answer, SCREAM with more laughter: "Jeez! How old are you? You sound like you're about three (or five or whatever your instincts tell you to say). You are really funny! How long have you been doing this? Are you practicing to be a standup?
•And finally, a response from a woman in a workshop who truly knew in her soul of souls that she need not fear the little child making the call: she quietly and candidly told the caller that his call did not frighten her or move her to anger. She talked with him about his motivations for such behavior. He ended up agreeing to seek counseling.
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